Since the white trash wannabe who occupies the tin can trailer adjacent to my house is never lacking in appalling behavior--some of which you can read about in my prior posts about The Freak Next Door, and since I just had to call the police in order to get his music shut off and his barking dog put away for the night, I thought it would be a good time to tackle 7 Questions for the Freak, who is the bane of my very existence on an almost daily basis. So here goes...and believe me when I say, keeping this to just 7 Questions is going to take all the restraint I can possibly muster.
- Why do you wash your trees? No really, why?! Wouldn't watering the roots make just a wee bit more sense? And while we're talking about the trees, why do you trim the leaves and small branches from the very ends? Um, you're not supposed to do that, smart guy. That's what makes the branches that are growing all wonky--causing you to trim them off at the ends--get all wonky to begin with. Do the words vicious cycle mean anything to ya?
- Why do you have a speaker in your garage vent pointing at my house, playing music all day long...even when you're in the tin can trailer watching TV...or even when you have other music coming out your opened bedroom window...or even when you have still other music playing under your "patio"...or better yet, even when you're not home? Well, actually I know the answer to that one and it has two parts: 1) To annoy the crap out of US, and 2) Because you're an asshole.
- Why did you name your dog, Lucky? I mean, seriously, that has got to be the most unlucky canine in the free world to have you for its owner, which is clearly why I refer to him as Unlucky whenever you are in audible range (which is usually when you're washing your trees).
- Why is it that on the very rare occasion that your mommy and daddy actually bother to pay you a visit, they never--and I do mean NEVER EVER--go inside your tin can trailer? I mean, 13 years and they've never stepped one foot in there. What gives? Are they afraid of what might be in there? Or are they afraid that your freakdom might just rub off on them?
- Why are you so obsessed with my husband? Isn't that why you have a video camera pointed straight at his workshop--cuz you like him...maybe just a bit too much? Or maybe you just enjoy seeing my "bird" flash by as I walk past your window?
- Why do you hide behind city zoning ordinances that allow "political signage" to be displayed on private property, while at the same time condemning the city of Defiance as a "bad place to live" on one of your "political" signs? (And, uh, nice touch with the red, white, and blue bunting, jerkwad. I'm sure everyone who stops to read your signs is thinking to themselves, wow, look at that nice bunting, what a nice, patriotic neighbor we have!)
- Why is Lindsay Lohan in jail for being young, too rich and too stupid, when you are running around scot-free, erecting plywood blockades that violate the zoning laws you tout yourself on your "political signage", playing music for the sole purpose of annoying your neighbors, and pervertedly videotaping your neighbors too (doing Lord only knows what while you watch them)?!
I could ask so many more questions, it's just not even funny. And it's even more pointless. But I'll just sum it up with one final thought from one of my favorite funny men, George Carlin:
“When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.”
Amen, brother, Amen.
