Let me start by saying that I do not hate Paris Hilton. So any of you would-be PHF's (Paris Hilton Fanatics) and defenders can save your comments and your emails. I'm not about the hate. But I am about common sense, or the lack thereof as the case may be, with regard to Paris Hilton. She really just makes me scratch my head, so much so that I'm developing a scab where I do the most scratching. So figured it was just high time I asked Miss Hilton the requisite 7 questions...in no particular order, natch.
- How is it that you manage to look so freaking good in your police mugshot? I mean, it's a mugshot. That's even worse than taking a driver's license photo, generally speaking. Even on my best day, I don't look half as good as Paris does in her recent mugshot. And yet she looks like she just stepped into a celebrity photo booth or something. WTH? Seriously.
- Is it one of your duties as a celebutante heiress to routinely carry drugs around for other people? I'm not trying to be snarky here [I still love using that word], I just really would like to know. (Seeing as I'm not a celebutante heiress, this could be important information to have, should I ever manage to become one. ) Since you were questioned by police two other times this summer for carrying drugs that apparently did not belong to you, seems common sense would dictate that you wouldn't use that excuse do that again...um...unless it's one of your socialite duties or something. And if it is, maybe all you famous-for-nothing-folks should get together and form a union or something, and carry ID cards around that specify all of your drug-related obligations. At least then the police would know.
- How did you manage to confuse cocaine with gum? You told the police officer at the time of your arrest that you thought the cocaine he found was gum. Gum? Really? Now I've never used cocaine; I've never even seen it up close and personal. But I've watched enough TV shows to know what it looks like (that makes me an expert, does it not?!), and it does not resemble gum. If it did, that would sure give new meaning to the words blowing bubbles, don'tcha think?
- Whose purse is it, and why didn't you look inside it before you "borrowed" it? I have never met a woman who doesn't clean out her purse before she loans it to someone. Heck, I practically turn mine inside out before I even store it away in my closet, just on the off chance I might find a nickel in there, or candy or something. Yet you manage to "borrow" a purse and it just happened to have cocaine in it. Of all the rotten luck! I bet the real owner of that purse is gonna be pissed, now that her stash is police property and all. (You probably shouldn't count on being able to borrow purses from that gal anymore.) Oh, and uh, you're rich, no? Why on earth do you need to borrow a purse anyway? You could have saved yourself a lot of stress, and the potential for 4 years in jail, if you'd just swung by Wal Mart on the way to the casino that night and picked out a bag of your very own. Kind of crazy to think that just a wee bit of shopping like us simple folks could have prevented the felony charge against you. Just something to ponder as you await your arraignment...to which, I suggest, you make sure you bring your own purse this time. ;)
- Can't you find any other way to get publicity? I mean, seriously.
- Is your new catchphrase now going to be "That's not mine"? Not as catchy as "That's Hot," but hell, put it on a T-shirt and I'm sure folks will buy it. This is America, after all.
- Are you really just in a competition with Lindsay Lohan to see who can get arrested the most before the age of 30? Hmm. Or maybe it's to see who can get the best mugshot and reign supreme on the Smoking Gun. Yeah. Maybe that's it.
